Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
