Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
40s are totally the cure
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
