textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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