She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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