Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Randomize
