my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
