I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
