I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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