She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
