did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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