He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
