Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
