I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
