i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
