I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
