He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
