Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
