Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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