The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we made out on top of his cat.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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