I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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