ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
