I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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