So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
