Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
