Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
