Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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