Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
