first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
