I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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