I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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