you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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