Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
