just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your cock deserves a montage
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
