I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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