Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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