Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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