part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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