And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
