Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
