McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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