Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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