I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
