I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
