how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
