True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
