My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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