dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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