the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
