Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
