can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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