no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
