sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
