I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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