I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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