Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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