I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
