Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
