The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
