My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
