Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
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