I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
