ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
