The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
