i dedicated my morning wood to you.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
