your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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