Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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